Relationships

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Oh, that dangerous internet dating! What if you get killed?!

Published September 15, 2012 by KalamityK

I went on a date the other day. Overall it wasn’t too bad. I met a bloke after work for a drink. He originally messaged me on a dating app I’d installed on my phone. I don’t know why I installed it to be honest. (Probably cos it was free). I’m not even that fussed about dating right now. He was quite chatty in his messages even though he’s not my cup of tea in the looks department, but I try not to go by that all the time. A great personality can make someone a lot more attractive so occasionally, you’ve gotta give a guy a chance.  (Sometimes though, you just know don’t you?)  So anyway, after consulting with my fb friends and getting their varied opinions, I decided to bite the bullet and give him a chance. He was a little bit shy, lacking in confidence and not very good at eye contact. He bought my drink without hesitation which was a plus.. There were some awkward silences but we managed to keep them mostly at bay. I saw glimpses of his sense of humour, which had veered into ‘inappropriate’ territory when texting but he was fine face to face. I figured it was more down to him trying to be funny via the written word and failing dismally than anything sinister or blatantly rude. We can’t all be grammar gods! If we meet up again though, it won’t be in the romantic sense.

I once got invited out by a fella I met in a pub. Let’s call him Bert. Bert told me to meet him outside this club as there was a reggae night and he wanted to take me for a dance. When I got there he was nowhere to be seen so I texted him.  He replied saying he was already inside and I should go in and find him. It cost me £10 to get in! Ok I thought, not a great start but maybe I’d misunderstood. I’ll find him and he can buy me a drink. Did he heck! I found Bert, drink in hand, dancing with some girl. When I interrupted him after watching for a couple of minutes and asked him if he was gonna buy me a drink, he pointed me in the direction of the bar and proceeded to ignore me for the rest of the night. I bought myself a drink and found a gorgeous young guy to chat to. Later, when Bert realised I’d ditched him in favour of the gorgeous toyboy who was apparently smitten with me, he had the nerve to drag me away from Mr Gorgeous and have a go at me in front of everyone!  Not to worry, Bert left feeling a lot more embarrassed than I did after I gave him a piece of my mind.

                     This has happened to me before—>

I’ve been on a lot of dates in the past 10 years. Some good, some not so much. One guy was on and off for a few years but really, none were long lasting. The majority of blokes I’ve dated have been from the internet. It’s a fabulous way to meet fellas… if you’re not that fussy.  Unfortunately, I am indeed extremely fussy. I talk myself into going on dates with men I’m not attracted to because there might be a slim chance that he turns out to be so much more than I think and because going on dates with men I DO find attractive hasn’t worked out for me. So I say to myself, try something different.  There’s a saying my mum said to me years ago that sticks in my head.

“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

Or something like that. Maybe it didn’t stick that well actually. But you get my drift. So, having dated men I fancied and it not working out, I tried dating men I wouldn’t normally go for and unsurprisingly, that hasn’t worked either.

My colleague said to me the other day ‘You can’t judge someone from a picture’. Maybe not, but you can judge whether you find them attractive. That’s how dating sites work. They all show pages and pages of photos, not pages and pages of profiles.  The photo is your first impression. It’s the deciding factor on whether or not you look at their profile. Guys, you need to realise this or you will NEVER get a date! There are FAR too many photos on these sites that resemble a day at a funeral! Smile dammit!  

There’s still a lot of concern about internet dating.. mainly by people who’ve never done it. Some of my friends get worried that I’m gonna get attacked or kidnapped or murdered on a date instigated from a website.  I’ll take this opportunity to put their minds at ease. This is me on the inside when I go on a first date. Ready for anything. 

I have enough common sense to talk to a man a few times to get a feel of his personality before I agree to meet him. I make him come to my hometown where I know every street, every nook, cranny and twitten in town for a quick escape if necessary. Not that I’ve ever needed to use that knowledge in a lifesaving scenario!  I also only meet and have dates in very public, usually busy places. I never get picked up or dropped off at home. There will also be a record of him in my chat history. So, if anything, I’m safer on one of these dates than I am on a date with a fella I met in a pub or anywhere else, that I have zero info on. I know people lie on the sites but people in pubs lie too! Besides all that, I’m a total cynic and rarely take anything they tell me at face value. I’m far from gullible. I’ve chatted with enough men over enough years and listened to enough lies to get an inkling of when they might be dishing out balony. As for those conmen who wheedle their way into women’s lives for the money, I’m skint with no chance of getting a loan so trust me when I tell you I’m not a target! 

The risks are no more or less than a regular date with someone you don’t know. The biggest risk I face when going on a date with some bloke off t’interweb is death by boredom! If I get any more messages that say nothing more than ‘hi’, I’m liable to drown myself in my own sink! 

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Revenge is a dish best not served at all

Published July 4, 2012 by KalamityK

Why do people want revenge? Do they think that it will make up for what’s been done to them?  I don’t get it. I really don’t. If you hurt me emotionally, then my first thought isn’t ‘How can I make you pay?’ It’s ‘Ouch. Let me get away from you!’ Does taking revenge really make you feel better in the long run? Not me.

Revenge isn’t sweet. Revenge can make you as bad as the person who hurt you.If someone breaks your heart, is it really going to be healed by you keying their car, cutting all the sleeves off his shirts or snapping the heels off her favourite stiletto’s? No doubt you’ll feel good for a minute or a day, but that feeling isn’t gonna last and then you’ll notice that your heart is still broken and the pain hasn’t gone. It was just hanging around in the background until you decided to notice it again.

I don’t know that I really believe in karma but sometimes I like to think I do. Sometimes thinking about karma is what stops me doing stupid things and getting myself into trouble. I think it means something different for different people. For me, it means that everybody gets theirs, in this life or the next… including me. 

When I was a teenager I met this lad through a friend. I didn’t fancy him when we first met. I actually thought he was extremely unattractive as he walked towards us and I couldn’t believe that my friend thought for one minute that I would fancy him! He was scrawny looking, his eyes were too close together and he had really crooked teeth. He was…. ugly. But it’s amazing what a couple of alcoholic drinks does to a 16yr old girl with low self esteem. Besides, he had tattoos and a tan leather jacket and he was 18. Yep. He was everything my parents would hate and I was fine-tuning my rebellion. So by the end of the evening, ‘him’ and ‘me’ had become ‘We’. That’ll teach me to get involved in under-age drinking.  

We were a couple for just over a year and a half and for most of that time, we lived together. I moved out of home and somehow, we ended up shacking up, first in his mates house where he was staying, then in our own bedsit. After the first few months, he started to abuse me. First emotionally then mentally and physically. I didn’t notice in the beginning. He was a bully and a control freak and he was brilliant at it. He jacked in his job shortly after we got together. He claimed benefits and lived off my wages. He used to tell me what I could and couldn’t wear, even to work and that was a uniform! He would decide whether I could go out or not. I was only allowed to go on a night out with him or his sister and only to certain places. One day my friend turned up at our flat uninvited. She was worried about me but I daren’t let her stay. I loved that she cared but I was scared that he would hit the roof and that she would be in danger or that he’d make me pay afterwards. He made me pay. Even with all that, I didn’t think of myself as a victim of domestic violence. He wasn’t stupid. Despite ending up in A&E a couple of times, I never had the broken jaw or the black eye and sometimes I gave back as good as I got.

 

 

I thought I was in love with him but the reality was that I was infatuated with the idea of him. It wasn’t love. Love isn’t controlling or fearful. Love would never make you feel so worthless that you want to kill yourself.

I eventually got out of the relationship when I found out he’d been cheating on me with the troll up the road. He was doing the one thing he’d been paranoid I would do to him. Cheat.

I finally kicked him out… but not before he’d kicked the crap out of me while his junkie mate (the trolls’ brother) watched. I was hurt and angry and humiliated. I thought of all the ways I could hurt him. I wanted payback. I wanted him to feel as bad as I did. Maybe I could have him beaten up. (I knew some quality people). Maybe I could have someone break into his new house  and destroy his record collection. THAT would totally devastate him. He loved those records. I could have done so many things. But I did nothing. At least, it seemed like nothing to some.

My revenge was to get on with my life and be happy, which is exactly what I did. I knew damn well he hated me being happy. I moved in with my friend, the one who’d come to check up on me, I found a new fella and fell in love for real. There was nothing better than seeing him in the street with his troll wench and knowing I was well out of it. I was scared stiff every time I saw him; actually frozen to the spot sometimes, but knowing he was her problem now, not mine… that was sweet justice. She was as bad as him, screaming at me and threatening various acts of violence. On the bright side, it showed her to be quite a creative person! They deserved each other. The look of jealousy when he saw me with my new fella was more satisfying than a thousand key scratches down a car!  It was priceless!

If I had that time machine I mentioned in a previous post, there are things I’d go back and change but that part of my life wouldn’t be one of them. Because of everything he put me through, I came out a stronger woman. Those experiences, alongside others, have shaped who I am today and that is someone who knows how to persevere when life throws crap in her direction.

A few months ago a mutual friend from back then told me that he died of cancer about a year or so ago. I didn’t need to do a thing to lower myself to his level. I kept my dignity. I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy, not even him, but a little voice inside my head whispered a question to me….. ‘karma?

Revenge keeps the fires burning. If you’re set on revenge you are giving that person control over you by making them a priority in your life. You may as well be their little puppet. All the time you are focusing on what they did to you and what you want to do back, you’re giving them a starring role in your life story. You’re feeding the hate and the anger that makes you feel bad. YOU, not them! They don’t feel bad! They’re just happy that they are still having an impact and making you miserable.

You’ll never convince me that revenge is a good idea, regardless of whether people deserve it. I’m not going to waste my time thinking about them. I’m just gonna get on with my life and let karma do its thing.

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