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Left on the shelf? No, I like it here!

Published August 10, 2012 by KalamityK

I’m 40 and still single. Didn’t find the right guy. If you did, you’re lucky and this post isn’t referring to you. But feel free to carry on reading!

Considering my dating life for the last 10 years has mainly involved internet dating, it’s not exactly a surprise that I’m still single.

What IS surprising is that a part of me likes it. If I’m being honest, I expected to be married at this point in my life but I didn’t have a script to show me how to get to that ending and this is where I find myself. 

I don’t know what people see when they look at me. I think people who don’t know me very well see a slightly sarcastic unmarried fat woman who sometimes lacks confidence. They’re right. I am a slightly sarcastic unmarried fat woman who sometimes lacks confidence. But that’s not the sum total of me. I’m occasionally funny, a bit complex and sometimes moody. I’m also strong; mentally and physically, and occasionally I’m wise, like an owl. 

I’ve got used to living on my own. Why on earth would I want to give up my space, fight over the tv remote, faff around trying to share a duvet, get all hot and bothered by a fella who thinks I’m his perfect pillow and then have him snoring his head off stopping me sleeping?  Nuh-uh! No thanx! I’m not doing that unless I’m completely smitten.

*Married woman = shared bedroom

Me = double room to myself and STILL not enough room for all my junk. There’s no space for anyone else’s stuff!

Over the decades I watched friends and family marry for a variety of reasons. Not always for love, even if they told themselves it was. Some are now divorced. Some are still married. Some are ‘surprisingly’ still married!

I’ve lived with 3 boyfriends in my lifetime. The last one was the manchilds’ dad 19 years ago. Since then it’s been just me and the kid. I’ve had other relationships but they haven’t worked out because it turns out I’m attracted to bad boys and idiots. I figured this out years ago but still couldn’t manage to change it. The reason I’m not married isn’t because no-one ever wanted me. It’s because I didn’t want to marry the men who asked. If the right fella came along then great but he’s not arrived  yet and I’m not settling. 

I came quite close recently to getting married but as it happens, he was an idiot too. I’m not saying I’m perfect… far from it. I’m just more perfect than them 😉 

Despite it being 2012, there is still an inbuilt fear for women of being left on the    shelf. Seriously. That’s so sad. Girls,  change the way you think. Don’t see it as a negative.  Enjoy your singleness while you have it. There will be times you’ll miss it once it’s gone. Yeah it’s nice to be in love but if it aint happenin’ then why not enjoy where you’re at? 

You know what? Leave me on the shelf. Please! All those other women who jumped off too soon for fear of being left behind have left me loads of room. This shelf is nice and comfy now and it has books.

It’ll take some super special man to entice me off it. 

Earlier today I was making a list of attributes that would make the perfect man for me. I decided that as I like it here on my shelf, I’d order exactly what I want or I’m staying put;

  1. Tall, dark and handsome with smiley eyes and a nice bum. He doesn’t have to be perfect, just perfect for me. 
  2. Solvent with a good job
  3. Hard working but not a workaholic
  4. Likes camping/picnics/walks on the beach
  5. Is good at DIY
  6. Likes a cuddly woman, preferably me.
  7. Enjoys cooking (I hate it).
  8. A non-smoker who isn’t tee total (last fella was tee total and it’s BORING!)
  9. Likes to be tactile but does NOT  want to snuggle all night (I’m a fidget until the coma hits). In fact, wants to live in separate houses (next door?) or at least have separate bedrooms
  10. Can SING like Andrea Bocelli  (I’ve never had a fella who could sing and if I’m ordering, I want a singer)
  11. A driver who likes motorbikes and will buy me one  for Christmas
  12. I can’t write this one out loud cos my mum n dad read this but … yanno!… A man’s gotta have skills! Know what I’m sayin?! 😉
  13. Ideally, he’ll be a bit of a romantic soul
  14. Should be funny but not too sarcastic
  15. Into Sci~Fi and gadgets
  16. MUST BE SINGLE (you’d be surprised how many blokes on dating sites don’t understand that concept)

Is that too much to ask for?!!!! Anyone know him? No?……. Then excuse me whilst I make myself a lil more comfy up here on my shelf! 

*For married, read also – living with a partner. For you lot who might need clarification.  

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Revenge is a dish best not served at all

Published July 4, 2012 by KalamityK

Why do people want revenge? Do they think that it will make up for what’s been done to them?  I don’t get it. I really don’t. If you hurt me emotionally, then my first thought isn’t ‘How can I make you pay?’ It’s ‘Ouch. Let me get away from you!’ Does taking revenge really make you feel better in the long run? Not me.

Revenge isn’t sweet. Revenge can make you as bad as the person who hurt you.If someone breaks your heart, is it really going to be healed by you keying their car, cutting all the sleeves off his shirts or snapping the heels off her favourite stiletto’s? No doubt you’ll feel good for a minute or a day, but that feeling isn’t gonna last and then you’ll notice that your heart is still broken and the pain hasn’t gone. It was just hanging around in the background until you decided to notice it again.

I don’t know that I really believe in karma but sometimes I like to think I do. Sometimes thinking about karma is what stops me doing stupid things and getting myself into trouble. I think it means something different for different people. For me, it means that everybody gets theirs, in this life or the next… including me. 

When I was a teenager I met this lad through a friend. I didn’t fancy him when we first met. I actually thought he was extremely unattractive as he walked towards us and I couldn’t believe that my friend thought for one minute that I would fancy him! He was scrawny looking, his eyes were too close together and he had really crooked teeth. He was…. ugly. But it’s amazing what a couple of alcoholic drinks does to a 16yr old girl with low self esteem. Besides, he had tattoos and a tan leather jacket and he was 18. Yep. He was everything my parents would hate and I was fine-tuning my rebellion. So by the end of the evening, ‘him’ and ‘me’ had become ‘We’. That’ll teach me to get involved in under-age drinking.  

We were a couple for just over a year and a half and for most of that time, we lived together. I moved out of home and somehow, we ended up shacking up, first in his mates house where he was staying, then in our own bedsit. After the first few months, he started to abuse me. First emotionally then mentally and physically. I didn’t notice in the beginning. He was a bully and a control freak and he was brilliant at it. He jacked in his job shortly after we got together. He claimed benefits and lived off my wages. He used to tell me what I could and couldn’t wear, even to work and that was a uniform! He would decide whether I could go out or not. I was only allowed to go on a night out with him or his sister and only to certain places. One day my friend turned up at our flat uninvited. She was worried about me but I daren’t let her stay. I loved that she cared but I was scared that he would hit the roof and that she would be in danger or that he’d make me pay afterwards. He made me pay. Even with all that, I didn’t think of myself as a victim of domestic violence. He wasn’t stupid. Despite ending up in A&E a couple of times, I never had the broken jaw or the black eye and sometimes I gave back as good as I got.

 

 

I thought I was in love with him but the reality was that I was infatuated with the idea of him. It wasn’t love. Love isn’t controlling or fearful. Love would never make you feel so worthless that you want to kill yourself.

I eventually got out of the relationship when I found out he’d been cheating on me with the troll up the road. He was doing the one thing he’d been paranoid I would do to him. Cheat.

I finally kicked him out… but not before he’d kicked the crap out of me while his junkie mate (the trolls’ brother) watched. I was hurt and angry and humiliated. I thought of all the ways I could hurt him. I wanted payback. I wanted him to feel as bad as I did. Maybe I could have him beaten up. (I knew some quality people). Maybe I could have someone break into his new house  and destroy his record collection. THAT would totally devastate him. He loved those records. I could have done so many things. But I did nothing. At least, it seemed like nothing to some.

My revenge was to get on with my life and be happy, which is exactly what I did. I knew damn well he hated me being happy. I moved in with my friend, the one who’d come to check up on me, I found a new fella and fell in love for real. There was nothing better than seeing him in the street with his troll wench and knowing I was well out of it. I was scared stiff every time I saw him; actually frozen to the spot sometimes, but knowing he was her problem now, not mine… that was sweet justice. She was as bad as him, screaming at me and threatening various acts of violence. On the bright side, it showed her to be quite a creative person! They deserved each other. The look of jealousy when he saw me with my new fella was more satisfying than a thousand key scratches down a car!  It was priceless!

If I had that time machine I mentioned in a previous post, there are things I’d go back and change but that part of my life wouldn’t be one of them. Because of everything he put me through, I came out a stronger woman. Those experiences, alongside others, have shaped who I am today and that is someone who knows how to persevere when life throws crap in her direction.

A few months ago a mutual friend from back then told me that he died of cancer about a year or so ago. I didn’t need to do a thing to lower myself to his level. I kept my dignity. I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy, not even him, but a little voice inside my head whispered a question to me….. ‘karma?

Revenge keeps the fires burning. If you’re set on revenge you are giving that person control over you by making them a priority in your life. You may as well be their little puppet. All the time you are focusing on what they did to you and what you want to do back, you’re giving them a starring role in your life story. You’re feeding the hate and the anger that makes you feel bad. YOU, not them! They don’t feel bad! They’re just happy that they are still having an impact and making you miserable.

You’ll never convince me that revenge is a good idea, regardless of whether people deserve it. I’m not going to waste my time thinking about them. I’m just gonna get on with my life and let karma do its thing.

25 random things about me… if you’ve nothing else to read.

Published June 9, 2012 by KalamityK

Try doing your own. It’s not as easy as you’d think.

If nothing else, it passes the time. 

1. I nearly always think before I act…sometimes too much… if I don’t, I always seem to make the wrong choice. 

2. I can be extremely indecisive. I hate being the one to make a decision. ‘No I don’t know which film to watch. What do YOU wanna watch? I’m not fussed, what do YOU wanna watch?’ Arghhhh! It’s like being stuck on a loop.

3. I hate having to apologise to anyone, so most of the time I hold my tongue rather than say what is on the tip of it!  

4. I have an addictive personality, hence the daily dose of chocolate, carbs and facebook! (and until the newness wears off, blogging) yep, sometimes all at once. 

5. I really enjoy my own company. 

6. My knees turn to jelly & my stomach does somersaults at the thought of talking in front of groups of people. Doesn’t matter if it’s 5 people or 50. Jellysaults!

7. I have worked for the NHS for almost 16 years. 

8. I love photography and wish I’d known it 20 years ago so I could have learnt to do it as a career. 
Mind you, I also needed to know back then that I actually WANTED a career. All I wanted growing up was to get married and have tons of babies.  

9. I am a bookworm. I quite like the idea of being a librarian and have even investigated the possibility, partly because of the instant access to so many books (because I hate paying shop prices for them). Approx 80% of my books are from charity/second-hand bookshops. It’s crap money though and there isn’t the need for librarians that there once was, plus nowhere in my county does the right uni course and I’m not motivated or self disciplined enough to do distance learning.

10. My parents and my son are the most important people in my life. If I need to be wise, I pretend to be my mum and then think about what she might do or say. It’s come in handy for those times I’ve had to fake it. 

11. I’d love to be in love but I honestly do enjoy being single. I’m quite set in my ways…plus maybe I haven’t met the right man to entice me to share the remote control.

12. I never learnt to drive. If it does ever happen, I want a Robin Reliant or a pink/purple moped. Most likely a moped. 

13. I own a (pink) flute although can’t remember how to play it (apart from a couple of simple crimbo carols). 

14. I love shoes and own many many pairs but I only buy the bargains. High heels are just divine but I just can’t walk in the damn things on these bumpy, uneven pavements.

15. My bestest friend uploaded me off the internet. My other bestest friend found me at a bus stop.

16. I hate having cold feet cos it stops the rest of me warming up. I hate having hot feet cos it makes the rest of me overheat.  

17. I am a nightowl and think mornings should be banned. 

18. Hello, my name is Kalamity and I’m a hoarder. (Professional help needed) Don’t throw that out… it might come in handy!

19. I can’t/won’t leave home without putting on my lipstick, even just to pop to the shop downstairs. Forget the rest of the slap, it’s all about the lippy.  

20. I’m convinced sprouts are the work of the devil. 

21. I don’t like coffee. Tea for me please….squeeze the teabag, plenty of milk & 1 sweetener, Ta. 

22. I always have the telly on when I’m indoors whether I’m watching it or not. 

23. I cannot bear those eating sounds people make when they have bad table manners and if you eat an apple anywhere near me, it’s likely to end up out the window. I regularly resist the urge to tell people how gross it is that I can hear them eat when they don’t shut their mouths. Seriously, I don’t want to see your food swilling around your gob, neither do I want to hear it. Plus, sorry but if you chew gum it make you look like a cow chewing the cud. Maybe I’m a snob but it just looks common.  

24. I’m a gadget girl. If I had the cash, I’d buy every gadget made. 

25. I bought my son a pet snake when he was about ten or eleven. He gave it back the following year because it didn’t grow big enough to eat people. He said it was boring. 

2nd chance poem

Published June 8, 2012 by KalamityK

I just found a scrap of paper tucked into my bookcase with this poem written on it. It’s one of many scraps I’ve kept over the years. If I find anymore I’ll share them as well.

IF I HAD MY CHILD TO RAISE AGAIN

If I had my child to raise again,

I’d finger-paint more and point my finger less.

I’d do less correcting and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less and know to care more.

I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.

I’d stop playing serious and seriously play.

I’d run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I’d do more hugging and less tugging.

I would be firm less often and affirm much more.

I’d build self-esteem first and the house later.

I’d teach less about the love of power and more about the power of love.

Author Unknown. 

Wrong Relationships

Published June 7, 2012 by KalamityK

I wrote this a while ago but wanted to share it here.

I’m generalising here but being a single woman about to hit 40 and also seeing so many of my female friends still single and desperately wishing they weren’t, I wonder where it’s all going wrong. What is happening to the world… to men… to women… that makes finding a good man to have an honest relationship with so near impossible. Fair enough, sometimes relationships just don’t work out because the chemistry isn’t there or whatever. It happens. Those aren’t the ones I’m talking about. It’s the ones that start off dishonest that I’ve got a real bee in my bonnet about right now. There seem to be so many of them. I’ve been on a lot of dates over the past 10 years and met many blokes whose mindset is one of self-gratification and sod anyone else. Here are just two examples of recently failed relationships out of many that I know of.

The first example is of a man who, despite proclaiming love and wanting to settle down, just lost his girlfriend because of all the lies he told early on. He lied about everything when they first met; his married status, his kids, his whole history, even his name! Problem is, she didn’t find out til much later and now that he’s fallen in love with her, it’s too late. More forgotten lies come forth and despite having feelings for him, she just can’t trust him. Why couldn’t he just be honest in the first place? If he didn’t want to be in his marriage, then maybe he should have ended it before starting with someone new. Where’s the solid foundation for a relationship built on lies? It never existed and therefore the relationship got broke. She’s left feeling sad and lonely and he’s left feeling heart-broken and guilty. No-one wins.

The 2nd example is of another man who threw away the chance of having a good, faithful woman to love him, because he couldn’t stay faithful to her… In fact, it turns out he never was. It took her a long time to let him close and he put the effort in for months to get that close. Why?! If he was seeing someone else, why did he bother chasing her for so long until she agreed to that first date? Again, why not end what he was involved in and then pursue her? If he was never looking for love and just wanted some ‘fun’, why not find someone who was just after the same thing? His lies also came back to bite him on the arse. Now she is left broken and confused and feeling like she just wasted years of her life on him. Trust for the next man in her life will be even harder for her to find.

What does this do to the men, to the women, to any children involved with whom they’ve built relationships? What must these kids think about relationships in general? What lessons are they learning from seeing what their parents are doing? How can they trust that the people they form attachments with, will be around in 6 months… a year… .2 years… Why should they bother getting to know them and accept them? Are daughters learning to be mistrustful of men? Are sons learning to treat women with little respect? Are kids losing respect for their own parents because they see them not respecting or valuing themselves enough to walk away the first time they know they’ve been lied to or cheated on or hit or whatever?

Do these men really want relationships? If they do, why on earth can’t they see that they’re just pushing the self destruct button? If they don’t, then why lead these women on? Are they really so selfish that using someone else for their own gratification doesn’t matter to them? Do they not realise that actions have consequences? Where are people’s morals? Where is the empathy and compassion for others?

I know people often tend to get more selfish as they get older, I do myself, but I cannot fathom why these men start relationships with women they know are looking for love, when they already have girlfriends or are married or in some cases even have boyfriends, or maybe don’t want a relationship at all. It’s pretty obvious early on when a woman is looking for more than a quick fling, and there are always plenty of people to have flings with in this day and age, so taking someone who wants more and using them in that manner is, to me, appalling.

I normally try not to be judgmental but damn it, it makes me so angry to see these men using women so casually…. and to see women allowing themselves to get used again and again… so quick to forgive and dish out 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances because anything is better than being single. Guess what girls? THAT ISN’T LOVE! Yes love can hurt sometimes, we all know this, but it’s not supposed to make you miserable!

Women, PLEASE have some dignity! Wake up and realise you’re better off single than to be with someone who doesn’t respect you. People can only treat you badly if you let them. Get rid and they can’t do it anymore. Aren’t you worth even that? How many chances to find the right man are you missing out on whilst you’re busy being ‘in a relationship’ with the wrong one?

Men, have some respect!. Just be honest if you’re not looking for anything serious. Don’t let it get to the point where she falls for you. Imagine it was your sister or your mum that some other man was leading on and disrespecting. It would save so much heartache and bad feeling if people were a bit more honest about their intentions when it comes to relationships. Don’t tell us what you think we want to hear…because I promise you, if you don’t mean it then we really don’t want to hear it. .

Now, I know that there are good men out there so please don’t think I’m tarring all men with the same brush. I’m not. Maybe I’ll even find one for myself one day but it’s not the end of the world if I don’t. I don’t think my expectations are too high so unless I meet a man with similar values to me, I am better off and happier on my own. I hope other women, whether single or in wrong relationships, find enough self-worth to feel the same way.

Kalamity K x

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