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Left on the shelf? No, I like it here!

Published August 10, 2012 by KalamityK

I’m 40 and still single. Didn’t find the right guy. If you did, you’re lucky and this post isn’t referring to you. But feel free to carry on reading!

Considering my dating life for the last 10 years has mainly involved internet dating, it’s not exactly a surprise that I’m still single.

What IS surprising is that a part of me likes it. If I’m being honest, I expected to be married at this point in my life but I didn’t have a script to show me how to get to that ending and this is where I find myself. 

I don’t know what people see when they look at me. I think people who don’t know me very well see a slightly sarcastic unmarried fat woman who sometimes lacks confidence. They’re right. I am a slightly sarcastic unmarried fat woman who sometimes lacks confidence. But that’s not the sum total of me. I’m occasionally funny, a bit complex and sometimes moody. I’m also strong; mentally and physically, and occasionally I’m wise, like an owl. 

I’ve got used to living on my own. Why on earth would I want to give up my space, fight over the tv remote, faff around trying to share a duvet, get all hot and bothered by a fella who thinks I’m his perfect pillow and then have him snoring his head off stopping me sleeping?  Nuh-uh! No thanx! I’m not doing that unless I’m completely smitten.

*Married woman = shared bedroom

Me = double room to myself and STILL not enough room for all my junk. There’s no space for anyone else’s stuff!

Over the decades I watched friends and family marry for a variety of reasons. Not always for love, even if they told themselves it was. Some are now divorced. Some are still married. Some are ‘surprisingly’ still married!

I’ve lived with 3 boyfriends in my lifetime. The last one was the manchilds’ dad 19 years ago. Since then it’s been just me and the kid. I’ve had other relationships but they haven’t worked out because it turns out I’m attracted to bad boys and idiots. I figured this out years ago but still couldn’t manage to change it. The reason I’m not married isn’t because no-one ever wanted me. It’s because I didn’t want to marry the men who asked. If the right fella came along then great but he’s not arrived  yet and I’m not settling. 

I came quite close recently to getting married but as it happens, he was an idiot too. I’m not saying I’m perfect… far from it. I’m just more perfect than them 😉 

Despite it being 2012, there is still an inbuilt fear for women of being left on the    shelf. Seriously. That’s so sad. Girls,  change the way you think. Don’t see it as a negative.  Enjoy your singleness while you have it. There will be times you’ll miss it once it’s gone. Yeah it’s nice to be in love but if it aint happenin’ then why not enjoy where you’re at? 

You know what? Leave me on the shelf. Please! All those other women who jumped off too soon for fear of being left behind have left me loads of room. This shelf is nice and comfy now and it has books.

It’ll take some super special man to entice me off it. 

Earlier today I was making a list of attributes that would make the perfect man for me. I decided that as I like it here on my shelf, I’d order exactly what I want or I’m staying put;

  1. Tall, dark and handsome with smiley eyes and a nice bum. He doesn’t have to be perfect, just perfect for me. 
  2. Solvent with a good job
  3. Hard working but not a workaholic
  4. Likes camping/picnics/walks on the beach
  5. Is good at DIY
  6. Likes a cuddly woman, preferably me.
  7. Enjoys cooking (I hate it).
  8. A non-smoker who isn’t tee total (last fella was tee total and it’s BORING!)
  9. Likes to be tactile but does NOT  want to snuggle all night (I’m a fidget until the coma hits). In fact, wants to live in separate houses (next door?) or at least have separate bedrooms
  10. Can SING like Andrea Bocelli  (I’ve never had a fella who could sing and if I’m ordering, I want a singer)
  11. A driver who likes motorbikes and will buy me one  for Christmas
  12. I can’t write this one out loud cos my mum n dad read this but … yanno!… A man’s gotta have skills! Know what I’m sayin?! 😉
  13. Ideally, he’ll be a bit of a romantic soul
  14. Should be funny but not too sarcastic
  15. Into Sci~Fi and gadgets
  16. MUST BE SINGLE (you’d be surprised how many blokes on dating sites don’t understand that concept)

Is that too much to ask for?!!!! Anyone know him? No?……. Then excuse me whilst I make myself a lil more comfy up here on my shelf! 

*For married, read also – living with a partner. For you lot who might need clarification.  

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Revenge is a dish best not served at all

Published July 4, 2012 by KalamityK

Why do people want revenge? Do they think that it will make up for what’s been done to them?  I don’t get it. I really don’t. If you hurt me emotionally, then my first thought isn’t ‘How can I make you pay?’ It’s ‘Ouch. Let me get away from you!’ Does taking revenge really make you feel better in the long run? Not me.

Revenge isn’t sweet. Revenge can make you as bad as the person who hurt you.If someone breaks your heart, is it really going to be healed by you keying their car, cutting all the sleeves off his shirts or snapping the heels off her favourite stiletto’s? No doubt you’ll feel good for a minute or a day, but that feeling isn’t gonna last and then you’ll notice that your heart is still broken and the pain hasn’t gone. It was just hanging around in the background until you decided to notice it again.

I don’t know that I really believe in karma but sometimes I like to think I do. Sometimes thinking about karma is what stops me doing stupid things and getting myself into trouble. I think it means something different for different people. For me, it means that everybody gets theirs, in this life or the next… including me. 

When I was a teenager I met this lad through a friend. I didn’t fancy him when we first met. I actually thought he was extremely unattractive as he walked towards us and I couldn’t believe that my friend thought for one minute that I would fancy him! He was scrawny looking, his eyes were too close together and he had really crooked teeth. He was…. ugly. But it’s amazing what a couple of alcoholic drinks does to a 16yr old girl with low self esteem. Besides, he had tattoos and a tan leather jacket and he was 18. Yep. He was everything my parents would hate and I was fine-tuning my rebellion. So by the end of the evening, ‘him’ and ‘me’ had become ‘We’. That’ll teach me to get involved in under-age drinking.  

We were a couple for just over a year and a half and for most of that time, we lived together. I moved out of home and somehow, we ended up shacking up, first in his mates house where he was staying, then in our own bedsit. After the first few months, he started to abuse me. First emotionally then mentally and physically. I didn’t notice in the beginning. He was a bully and a control freak and he was brilliant at it. He jacked in his job shortly after we got together. He claimed benefits and lived off my wages. He used to tell me what I could and couldn’t wear, even to work and that was a uniform! He would decide whether I could go out or not. I was only allowed to go on a night out with him or his sister and only to certain places. One day my friend turned up at our flat uninvited. She was worried about me but I daren’t let her stay. I loved that she cared but I was scared that he would hit the roof and that she would be in danger or that he’d make me pay afterwards. He made me pay. Even with all that, I didn’t think of myself as a victim of domestic violence. He wasn’t stupid. Despite ending up in A&E a couple of times, I never had the broken jaw or the black eye and sometimes I gave back as good as I got.

 

 

I thought I was in love with him but the reality was that I was infatuated with the idea of him. It wasn’t love. Love isn’t controlling or fearful. Love would never make you feel so worthless that you want to kill yourself.

I eventually got out of the relationship when I found out he’d been cheating on me with the troll up the road. He was doing the one thing he’d been paranoid I would do to him. Cheat.

I finally kicked him out… but not before he’d kicked the crap out of me while his junkie mate (the trolls’ brother) watched. I was hurt and angry and humiliated. I thought of all the ways I could hurt him. I wanted payback. I wanted him to feel as bad as I did. Maybe I could have him beaten up. (I knew some quality people). Maybe I could have someone break into his new house  and destroy his record collection. THAT would totally devastate him. He loved those records. I could have done so many things. But I did nothing. At least, it seemed like nothing to some.

My revenge was to get on with my life and be happy, which is exactly what I did. I knew damn well he hated me being happy. I moved in with my friend, the one who’d come to check up on me, I found a new fella and fell in love for real. There was nothing better than seeing him in the street with his troll wench and knowing I was well out of it. I was scared stiff every time I saw him; actually frozen to the spot sometimes, but knowing he was her problem now, not mine… that was sweet justice. She was as bad as him, screaming at me and threatening various acts of violence. On the bright side, it showed her to be quite a creative person! They deserved each other. The look of jealousy when he saw me with my new fella was more satisfying than a thousand key scratches down a car!  It was priceless!

If I had that time machine I mentioned in a previous post, there are things I’d go back and change but that part of my life wouldn’t be one of them. Because of everything he put me through, I came out a stronger woman. Those experiences, alongside others, have shaped who I am today and that is someone who knows how to persevere when life throws crap in her direction.

A few months ago a mutual friend from back then told me that he died of cancer about a year or so ago. I didn’t need to do a thing to lower myself to his level. I kept my dignity. I wouldn’t wish cancer on my worst enemy, not even him, but a little voice inside my head whispered a question to me….. ‘karma?

Revenge keeps the fires burning. If you’re set on revenge you are giving that person control over you by making them a priority in your life. You may as well be their little puppet. All the time you are focusing on what they did to you and what you want to do back, you’re giving them a starring role in your life story. You’re feeding the hate and the anger that makes you feel bad. YOU, not them! They don’t feel bad! They’re just happy that they are still having an impact and making you miserable.

You’ll never convince me that revenge is a good idea, regardless of whether people deserve it. I’m not going to waste my time thinking about them. I’m just gonna get on with my life and let karma do its thing.

Hello world!

Published June 5, 2012 by KalamityK

Wow! I’m actually here. So are you!  O M Effin’ G! I don’t know what I’m more surprised about, the fact that you’re here reading this or that I wrote it in the first place. Don’t s’pose it matters really so… Hi!

I never thought I’d do this because I didn’t really think I had anything to say and even if I did find something to say, I couldn’t fathom why anyone would want to read it. But you know what, I need somewhere to vent…. so why not use a blog?! Some people start pages on Facebook to save their sanity but if I did that I’d no doubt cock it up and somehow mix it up with my ‘real’ profile which could be hilariously disastrous. It just aint worth the risk. I’m thinking if I’d done this years ago I might not be the mental headcase I am today.

I work more or less fulltime for the NHS in medical sciences and I’m an ordinary single mum living with a teenage son in South East England. I’ll call him the manchild because he’s legally a man but he’s still my child and he’s got some growing up to do yet. He’s already done a lot of growing up in the last 3 years but like the rest of us, he’s a work in progress. He’s got his faults and I’ve got mine. For the most part, we get on great (now) but it’s been a rough ride at times. I’m not exaggerating when I say we’ve been to hell and back in a rowboat. As he is the most prominent and loved person in my life, I suspect this blog will feature him a lot. Especially when he makes idiotic lifestyle choices that fill me with horror and dread and despair. No doubt my colleagues will feature a fair bit too as most of my day to day life is spent with them and they’ve been my daily companions for the last 10 years… and they have the power to irritate the hell outa me even though my life wouldn’t be the same without them!

There will most likely be more than a few rants about apples too. That one will explain itself eventually.

I should probably warn you now, I moan a lot. It seems like a lot to me anyway, especially since I gave up smoking a few months ago. But I see that as part of being British and I’m all about being patriotic 😉 Aren’t us Brits well known for moaning?! It’s probably not one of our better attributes but if I can’t vent somewhere in writing then there’s every chance I’ll explode. So here I am, setting up my own little cubbyhole ont’ tinterweb to vent and moan and cry and laugh and crack stupid jokes and be sarcastic. There are so many people in my life and I’ve started this because I want to try not to inflict my issues on them. I’m so much bitchier now I don’t have cigarettes to de-stress me. I’m actually rather looking forward to this! Is it wrong to enjoy the potential to grump n groan a little bit? It has to be honest or what’s the point? Ah well, it is what it is.

I will endeavour to be entertaining whilst I get my grump on!

Kalamity K 🙂

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